My New Year’s Resolution was to curb posting thumbnail write-ups in dormant List Project threads. But since I’ve actually posted my thoughts somewhere on the board on
every 80s slasher movie I’ve ever seen, it feels wrong to deny future generation further insights earned via the iron price of actually sitting through these movies. Here’s the latest round-up:
Double Exposure (William Byron Hillman 1982)
Noticeably absent from discussions of Seymour Cassel’s recent passing, this is bottom of the barrel sleaze about a coked-out photographer who may or may not be killing his models… and undercover cops dressed in drag… and prostitutes… and some minor supporting characters… Above all its other faults, and they are many, this movie reinforces a laughable internal logic wherein two disgusting brothers, both played by gross dudes pushing 50, are able to land a string of willing and pliant babes, even though one of the brothers is missing an arm and a leg and the other is a misogynistic, yayed-out, Brad Dourif’s dad-looking piece of shit. I find it deeply depressing that every review of this on Letterboxd is positive.
Fatal Pulse (Anthony J Christopher 1988)
Someone is killing college girls on campus and helpfully removing their clothing for the camera in the process. Could it be crazy handyman Joe Estevez (who uses an assumed name in the credits, to give you some idea of how bad
this movie is), or the stoner roomie who has his own cartoon sound effect every time he pops up, or the New Wave punk in love with the protagonist’s girlfriend, or the protagonist himself, who is so inept at acting that his dialog often sounds stilted like sixth graders sweating through iambic pentameter? Don’t worry, you won’t need to exert any energy figuring out the mystery since the identity of the murderer is immediately guessable the moment they show up on screen, though the motivation driving the acts is needlessly complicated.
Funeral Home (William Fruet 1980)
While this Canadian pic gets bunched in with the early slasher wave, this is really a 70s horror movie through and through, and is far more interested in ripping off
Psycho than
Halloween. When not speaking like Marjorie Main, the God-fearing tourist home proprietor of the converted titular building converses with her missing husband in a secret, padlocked cellar room while the bodycount rises. Forget zero guesses, is it possible to award negative guesses to solve who is behind the murders of several guests? This is a competently made mediocrity, which on the whole qualifies as a rave for this genre.
Hell High (Douglas Grossman 1989)
A gang of tough high schoolers torment their poor biology teacher, unaware that she accidentally killed several bikers as a child and will not respond well to being pushed now as an adult. Features an excruciating sequence wherein several of our protagonists try to rape the passed-out teacher, with the “good” one arguing against it solely because it’ll land them in jail, not because it’s wrong.
House of Screams AKA Death Screams (David Nelson 1982)
Proof that small town locales are always a few years behind on trends, everyone in this South-set slasher is dressed like it’s the mid-70s, and the film itself feels very scrappy in the Grindhouse fashion of the previous decade. This adds absolutely nothing to the film other than the novelty of having several scenes scored by twangy country music and the preponderance of wood paneling everywhere. The plot, what little there is of it, is typical “mystery” killer fare. At one point the film stops everything and lets a character sincerely tell a scary story (really an urban legend, the “Humans lick hands too” tale) and it is more interesting than the rest of the film multiplied by a hundred. The filmmakers could have saved themselves a lot of money by just filming her telling spooky campfire favorites for 90 minutes instead.
Iced (Jeff Kwitney 1988)
Years after a mentally unbalanced dude kills himself after getting mad at his friends and going skiing after dark, a mysterious killer tricks the same friend group into coming up to the woods for a timeshare presentation. Now, timeshares are plenty scary enough without slasher movie trappings, but this movie really highlighted a major problem of many of these films: complete indifference to characterization or giving an audience anything to latch onto other than one primary marker of differentiation (this one’s a doctor, this one is the doctor’s wife, this one has a mustache, &c).
Lunch Meat (Kirk Alex 1987)
Backwoods rednecks who all talk like Pappy Drewitt come across the perfect get-rich scheme: kill teenagers, chop up their bodies, and sell the meat (helpfully stored in large black trash bags) to the local burger stand. Considering almost anything else they could do with the bodies would net them more than the, what, $20 they must be getting for doing this, these villains are obviously not too smart. But they’re no match for the even dumber caravan of LA college jerks who fall prey to the white trash cannibal capitalists. One of these preppies literally talks in an affected voice like Marvin the Martian
the entire time he’s alive. But it’s even worse once they start dying, because the kids who live just spend the rest of their time alive moaning and groaning nonstop during every second of their merciless screentime. Of course this is slightly better than earlier in the film when these “hip youth” were singing “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” multiple times. This movie is so bad that I can see how someone could not hate it: there is a
remarkable idiocy to it that is never boring. But even better is a film that has a modicum of intelligence, skill, craft, novelty, and so on til you hit 250 words.
Nightmares AKA Stage Fright (John D Lamond 1980)
Not to be confused with the other 80s slasher movie called
Nightmares or the other 80s slasher movie called
Stage Fright. If you gave a preteen whose dad snuck him into
Halloween and a few Argento movies the reins to a slasher movie, it would look like this. This remarkably incompetent Australian cash-in is filled with weird for the sake of being weird camera angles, missing narrative connective tissue from scene to scene, pointless Mystery Killer POV shots when the film literally tells us who the murderer is from the start, and gratuitous death scenes wherein more than one woman is forced out naked into the street to be bludgeoned to death very slowly on-camera while the camera leers all over the screaming actress’ undressed bloody body.
the Outing AKA the Lamp (Tom Daley 1987)
Rubbing a lamp results in annoying people getting rubbed out.
Shallow Grave (Richard Styles 1987)
It takes some degree of audacity to homage an homage, but this movie opens with a (not terrible) ripoff of
Blow Out’s opening and
Psycho tribute, which is like a Xerox of a Xerox in a genre that already embodies that as an ethos. The first act of this isn’t terrible either, actually, and does a good job of misdirecting us from the actual tone it will take. We start with a kind of bland 80s teen spring break romp, but then the gaggle of Catholic High School Girls in Trouble’s car breaks down in backwoods Georgia on their way to Florida and one of the girls witnesses the local sheriff killing his mistress. What proceeds from this point is infuriating in both its stupidity and its nihilism. This is just not an enjoyable movie, and the film proves what
Anguish showed far more brilliantly in the same year: there’s nothing fun about a slasher where the primary weapon is guns. The hopelessness here never feels earned or suspenseful like it might in a Hitchcock movie or even a competent Cinemax 90s erotic thriller, but instead comes across as nasty solely to be nasty. That attitude coupled with characters consistently doing the dumbest thing possible makes for an agonizing watch, made all the worse by the awareness that there’s a modicum of talent involved but never fully utilized.
The VHS art is gorgeous though:
Are there any art books of just 80s horror movie VHS covers? Now
that I would probably enjoy far more than actually watching these! Like the trailers on
42nd Street Forever comps, the reality of the film almost never matches the advertisement. But barely-remembered encounters with these forbidden VHS covers in video stores as a kid has driven a lot of my present curiosity in this genre, even though at this point I’m just watching these out of morbid interest and a desire to winnow down the long checklist of 80s slashers.
Silent Rage (Michael Miller 1982)
I don’t know who was asking for a Chuck Norris slasher movie, but Hollywood answered. Mad scientists inject a dying axe murderer with a magic serum that heals all wounds immediately, essentially making him immortal. At no point do any of the docs question the logic of inflicting this gift on a sociopathic axe murderer. Results of the experiment are mixed. On the one hand, all of the docs are killed by their creation. On the other hand, Chuck Norris gets to kick this undead-ish dude a few times. The film is weirdly well-shot. Miller favors needlessly long shots that stretch the acting abilities of his cast, but I was kind of digging these as evidence of the director keeping himself entertained in the midst of absolute dreck material like this. Slasher movie villains are already uninteresting due to their invincibility, but granting actual regeneration capabilities makes everything that happens pointless (see: most of the
Friday the 13th movies). Then again, I guess Norris in the film isn’t much different considering the man takes about a hundred blows to his person and yet none of the copious shirtless shots indicate bruising.
Student Bodies (Mickey Rose 1981)
High from the success of
Airplane, Paramount wantonly released this parody of slasher movies that is only really notable for coming so
early in the 80s cycle— this is strong evidence of the self-awareness of all the other cash-ins if anything. The film has the same joke makeup as an episode of
Family Guy, in that for every joke that lands, three don’t and two make you just feel bad. In fact, the only real laughs here come from gags unrelated to the basic premise, such as a shop teacher obsessed with making horsehead bookends, or one teacher’s response to a ringing phone that got a huge laugh out of me:
”I’m furthest away from the phone, so I’ll answer it”
But the slasher stuff falls flat, especially since this was obviously made to be PG (and then made “R” arbitrarily with a winking insert), so there’s no nudity or any real comic violence, things which I think a real parody of this genre can’t leave out. But there are a lot of fart jokes, so they definitely compensated for this deficiency. Films like
Friday the 13th Part VI and
Anguish will do a much better job of tweaking the conventions of the genre a few years later, and without the use of puns. One advantage here though is that this movie
does have a list of product placements that runs as long as the cast list in the credits, including our old slasher-sponsoring friend Dr Pepper. [P]
Too Scared to Scream (Tony Lo Bianco 1984)
Someone is killing the residents of a fancypants high rise, and the police suspect erudite British doorman Ian McShane. McShane quotes Shakespeare a lot so you know he’s Cultured, and he also lovingly takes care of his invalid mom (played by Maureen O’Sullivan, believe it or not— yet another member of Hollywood royalty to add to the slasher shame list), but since he cuts a birthday cake with a butcher knife, the dumb pig cop
knows he’s the killer!!! Like so many films of the 80s, slasher or otherwise, this one ends up being wildly homophobic in its reveal and killer motivations, but admittedly I still didn’t see the twist coming… probably because it doesn’t really make any sense… but that’s something, at least.
Well, when out of thirteen movies, the best one I saw starred Chuck Norris, what does that say about not just these films but my idea to watch and keep watching them? Take it away, unfunny chyron from
Student Bodies:
