'Rediculous' Customer & Critic Reviews

[jbeall]

"Neil Saunders" response excoriating Alex de Silva was pretty spot-on:

This is a cretinously stupid review of a cinematic masterpiece.

Hmm. Although I'm closer to Mr. Saunders in my enthusiasm for A Canterbury Tale, I've got to say that I feel more comfortable with Mr. da Silva's novice skepticism than with Mr. Saunders's genuflections. To defend Chaucer or Powell and Pressburger on the basis of decades and centuries of being held in high esteem is pretty feeble[...]

Well, of course a work isn't automatically great just b/c folks say it is. But the offhand rejection from someone who doesn't like it b/c it doesn't conform to his limited narrative and genre expectations is just as silly. From what I can gather from his posts, Mr. de Silva hasn't bothered to even think about why people may have held these works in esteem in the first place, let alone why A Canterbury Tale is or isn't a good film. Saunders' dismissal in the face of such ignorant hostility is entirely appropriate.

[Steven H]

Amazon.com Wall-E gems:

I could only see this movie only once and that's it. I did not liked this movie at all. Complete waste of money. You will not see this movie again and again. How could Disney bring such poor movie?

Wall-E is not a movie that I enjoy watching. The images are too cluttered, and the words are sometimes hard to understand (even with my TV Ears). It seemed like I had to get half way through the movie before I began to comprehend the story.

Come on people!! When are we going to see that we are being led down a path of Hollywood and Disney's choosing.

this one will make you wan to shoot yourself

I guess i'm not really the cerebral type. Went to see this with my kids and am not sure who wanted to get out of that theatre more, them or me. Hardly any talking in the film. If i had a gun with me in the theatre, i would end it all there and then.

Uri Gofman

A Remake

Isn't this just a remake of the 80's movie "Short Circuit?? Shame on you Disney!

[knives]

My favorites of that set are no grammar and cerebral. Wall-e's not rocket science, it's not even Primer.

[MichaelB]

My favorites of that set are no grammar and cerebral. Wall-e's not rocket science, it's not even Primer.

My four-year-old daughter seems to cope with it just fine. I haven't tried her on Primer yet, though.

[domino harvey]

Kids love nosebleeds

[jbeall]

All your base are belong to us.

[Gregory]

Just found a brilliant Amazon reviewer while reading reviews of Cronos. He's a believer in UFO conspiracy cover-ups who spends huge sums of disposable income on computer and phone equipment and bad sci-fi movies, and he's waged an all-out war of identical one-star reviews against Sony and Sprint products. But on with his sage DVD advice:
This is one of the absolute best, on Nova: Life and Death in the War Zone:

What you can't see on the cover say's: "Inside An American Support Hospital" or CASH (just like MASH, yes the TV show). I thought I would see some 'Battle Footage' which it seems is almost IMPOSSIBLE to come by these days, and you definitely will NOT SEE ANY in this video. It IS amazing, they set up a virtual hospital in the combat zone of Iraq to perform surgeries and everything.
The troubling part is that they realize they have to turn away so many people (civilians) because they have rules of conduct; "Life-Limbs-Eyes". So if your going to die next week in a Bahgdad Hospital, so be it. They show THAT kind of trauma. The head surgeon actually makes the decision NOT to give a bomb victim a crucial drug, because Americans MAY need it later. The guy of course dies in a day or two. Really sad stuff. I never would have seen this if I knew what it was.
IRAQ COMBAT HOSPITAL DOCUMENTARY

Fanboy wants to see real "'Battle Footage'" but can't handle thinking about what really happens to the people in the battles.

Here's his take on a Noam Chomsky DVD:

The man never says anything significant. Believe me, I WISH he were legit. He is too poo-poo-ish in nature and he NEVER names names (REAL NAMES that you don't already know). And gimme a bank statement or two. I wish Howard Zinn were a better public speaker.

Here's what one of his really positive reviews looks like [Hustle and Flow]:

If you would like to appreciate a movie that explores a crappy life, in a brilliant way from the viewpoint of someone with nothing, then it's for you. I have a family, help if I needed it, etc.. Someone like our main character has to "Whoop that Trick" for every cent of existence. BUT IT'S NOT JUST THAT, the way he deals with life, is brilliantly on a path that cultures hope through a dream he is slowly but surely making real.
It all comes down to the end when preparation meets a known, future opportunity to be near the right people. I can't spoil anything because there is a super twist. It's not just the end though, TAKE THE WHOLE JOURNEY, I don't think you'll regret it. Open minds are a requirement, and even better if you already know that you are a racist, no matter what you are.

So the film will especially appeal to self-conscious racists, but only the open-minded variety.

Speaking of racism, here is the lead sentence of his review of House of Flying Daggers:

There's always something retarded about Asian love stories (seriously, think of one Asian porn-star? ..I thought not).

And his take on a Norton Internet Security Product begins with this gem:

HAVE FUN CALLING INDIA "Halo? dis is Shbismeeerischkabob, kahney elp yu?"

Turning his keen critical eye to The Handmaid's Tale DVD,

It's a good MOVIE. Apparently adapted from some book, but who cares?? We want to know about the MOVIE.

...and that's all he says.

[gubbelsj]

There's always something retarded about Asian love stories

This sounds like the first sentence in a Donald Bartheleme story or something. It's almost genius.

[Donald Brown]

A comment posted to JR Jones's review of Star Trek at ChicagoReader.com:

Andrea Freiboden at 2:39 PM on 5/8/2009
Star Trek is the gayest show ever. People who like this stuff are the biggest losers in the universe. Just go to any Star Trek convention and what do you find? Geeks, freaks, gimps, wimps, dorks, gorks, schmorks,and worse. I mean they are even bigger loser than Otakus--dumbass anime fans. Maybe Star Trek scores well with gimpass liberals for its 'multi-racial casting' and 'gender-bending' and whatever. All I saw was tokenism: "hey, let's throw in a Negress and a gay Japanese to show how TOLERANT and open-minded we are." By the way, what kind of a Japanese name is Sulu? Suzuki maybe, but Sulu? Is he like half Zulu? I certainly don't see it in his face. Star Trek REALLY was 'Jews In Space'. Smarmy, smug, pompous, irritating, annoying, pseudo-intellectual Jews at that, those who failed at real acting, real writing, real medicine, real science, real philosophy. Loser Jews either become film critics or sci-fi actors. Sci-fi is generally such a sorryass genre that any sci-fi book, movie, or series that even pretends to have 'deep' ideas is greeted as the greatest thing since Socrates. I don't know who are worse. Trekkies or Dr. Whooies.
I like sci-fi, and I mean real sci-fi, which really should be called techno-fantasy because few sci-fi has anything to do with science. Take truly great sci-fi like 2001, La Jetee, Blade Runner, AI, Laputa, or Stalker. You can see them over and over. But, how can anyone with any taste or intelligence go for Star Trek? Never mind the halfassed half-baked philosophy and hamfisted satire 'about the Cold War'. Oooooh, I am sooooooooooooooo impressed!!! Just look at the ridiculous costumes and sets. Just look at Spock's gayass ears. Just look at those gayass skintight polyester shirts. Just look at those ridiculous aliens. I mean that is as gay as it can get. It's gayer than Barney Frank and Harvey Milk put together. And, don't gimme this 'homophobic' crap. Gays have a right to act gay, but Star Trek is about a bunch of straight malestly. So, why does it have to be soooo gay?

Anyway, the TV show was cheap and shoddy, and that was A-okay since the ideas were cheap and shoddy too. Star Trek deserved to be nothing more than a stupid TV show. But, stupid Hollywood fools decided to make a big budget movie out of it, which is like trying to turn Gilligan's Island into a Grand Epic.

For all I know, Star Trek the movie--which had a bald headed woman from what I heard--prolly started the whole stupid trend of turning TV shows into big budget movies. So, we ended up Brady Bunch the movie, the Flinstones the movie, Honeymooners the movie, and other crap. What's next? Leave it to Beaver the movie?

Star Trek is for gayass dorks. I mean you guys gotta grow up. Watch real sci fi. Or, watch a John Wayne movie. Don't waste your time with a bunch of gayass Jews and token minorities muttering pseudo-metaphysical, pseudo-satirical crap. I mean Twilight Zone was stark and effective for what it was. Star Trek is drek all the way. It's kinda like Twilight Zone crossed with Bat Man. It's half Idea-show, half camp-show. It's so gay.

[domino harvey]

She had me at "gorks"

[cdnchris]

"gayass Jews"?

[Murdoch]

It's weird reading a comment by someone who advocates watching Stalker and refers to everything as either gayass or soooo gay.

Although, I would like to see this "Jews in Space" idea she has, as riddled with antisemitism as it may be.

[domino harvey]

It's weird reading a comment by someone who advocates watching Stalker and refers to everything as either gayass or soooo gay.

Although, I would like to see this "Jews in Space" idea she has, as riddled with antisemitism as it may be.

It's not her idea, it's from a Mel Brooks movie

[knives]

Well Spock and Kirk were played by Jews....
I do find it funny that AI and 2001 are examples of 'real non-Jew' Sci-fi even though they were made, or at least directed, by Jews. Finally how is Stalker sci-fi. Wouldn't Solaris be the better example? I could go on, but it really is ridiculous to the point of self parody, intentional or not.

[fiddlesticks]

I've got some bad news for her.
And some even worse news is coming.

[domino harvey]

Like, worrying about facts is for gorks, daddy

[Jean-Luc Garbo]

Why is she so obsessed with how gay Star Trek supposedly is? Isn't this what the nerds she decried so vehemently spend their twenties worrying about? I'd hate to hear her opinion on all the Jews in the equally gay (sic) comic book industry. What a loon.

[HarryLong]

And some even worse news is coming.

Goddam! I knew that was too great an idea not to have been scooped up!

Since she already knows ST well enough to know how much she hates it (not to mention how gay it is and how Jewish it is) one wonder why the hell she went to see the movie ...
Then again, as with the Robert Wise entry ("--which had a bald headed woman from what I heard--"), maybe she didn't ...

[MichaelB]

I love it when reviewers make stuff up to justify their prejudices. Take this intriguing snippet from James Berardinelli's review of Madagascar Skin:

Throughout Madagascar Skin, Newby delights in shocking us with graphic, grotesque images. Ugliness is everywhere: dead squid and fish squashed by car tires, a severed penis, and worms feasting on a decaying body.

Anyone remember the severed penis? No, me neither. I'm guessing he's referring to the scene where an abandoned and very obviously rubber dildo gets washed ashore, but if he seriously thinks that this was intended to be an actual severed penis... well this says a lot more about him than about the film!

(For starters, on purely physiological grounds alone I can't fathom how a severed penis could stay erect...)

[domino harvey]

I kind of like this one

If you like torture, child abuse, a lame story, and subtitles, then this is the movie for you.

[cdnchris]

The "subtitles" thing drives me up the wall when people use it as a criticism against a film. I understand the "I don't like subtitles so I don't watch foreign films" frame of mind, but it irks me when someone uses the "that movie sucked because it had subtitles." "Well excuse them for speaking in their own language and not yours. Ass."

[MichaelB]

One of my all-time favourite reviews was the one that dismissed Les Diaboliques as being "vulgar, nasty and French".

The last being just as bad as the first two, presumably.

[knives]

No, you misunderstand. They always leave the worst for last.

[MichaelB]

No, you misunderstand. They always leave the worst for last.

So when the Daily Mail's Christopher Tookey complained about Cronenberg's Crash featuring "gay sex, lesbian sex and sex with cripples".....?

[domino harvey]

In a list of threes, the third item should be both different than the other two and the one that seals the deal for an audience. That's about all I remember from speech class